The 'My LORD, My God' Moment

 For someone so rational and scientific, I have a roller coaster ride of emotions every day. People around me dislike me for who I am. My brazenness isn't appealing, I know, but like any other human, I wanted to be accepted for who I am. But in a South Indian household, a blatant woman who holds her ground for what she thinks is right isn't exactly seen as comely. If she just raises your grandkids and does chores that 'look after the house' she isn't worth a dime either. 

So that's that. 

Disliked. Unloved. Disrespected. Ignored. And through the downward ride in such moments, unless you find the most reassuring out of this world moment you won't last long. 

 I did. 

One day, lying on my side on the ground, when even breathing was a burden, when I felt like I should vanish or better still get destroyed for existing,  I heard the LORD's name. No. I wasn't hallucinating or having visions. I am too sane, rational and clear minded for that. But I do not lie when I say I heard HIS name. 

IN MY BREATH.  

The last straw in me had worn away. I couldn't take it anymore, I was at my weakest.

There, in the sharp intake I had taken in 'YH... ' ; in the last ounce in me that I let go '..WH'. I realized that my breath sounded like the LORD's name. A name forgotten over the centuries but held dear by those who have known him. YHWH. 

Scholars do not know the exact pronunciation of this ancient name written in the scriptures. But I reckoned this was what they had meant when they said :

1. *Genesis 2:7*: "And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul."

2. *Job 33:4*: "The Spirit of God hath made me, and the breath of the Almighty hath given me life."

3. *Psalm 36:9*: "For with thee is the fountain of life: in thy light shall we see light."

2. *Psalm 104:29-30*: "If thou take away their breath, they die, and return to their dust. Thou sendest forth thy spirit, they are created: and thou renewest the face of the earth."

I lay there trying to understand, trying to let it sink in. It became clear where the ancient interpretation that 'God IS life' came from. The ancients reverred life itself. It was a blessing, a bane all in one. When life is good, the breath is easy and happy. HE is 'bless'ing us. When it isn't and every day's a struggle, a burden and our breath is laboured- HE is 'angry'. HE is indeed THE BREATH OF LIFE. 

And why wouldn't they consider life 'God'. It is indeed the greatest deepest mystery of all.  

But, the above interpretation just puts God into a small framework -that of intake of breath and exhalation. Isn't there more to this? What makes me feel guided? What heals and what leads us to comfort? Like, now. Knowing that the great power that guides and leads, the power that runs every tiny thing around us- life, all celestial phenomenon, the atoms, the source of all energy  is in my breath was as empowering as it could get.  

In my weakness, I had become one with HIM. 

*Psalms 103:14*  "For He knows our frame, and remembers that we are dust."

I had accepted I was weak, and the LORD who knows this accepts me. We had reached a concesus. It made me one with him.  

The realisation that I am mouthing its name, embodying it's omnipotence as I called to it strengthens me beyond any other idea ever could. 

It leads me to be conscious in word, thought and action. Conclusively, wasn't it the same ideology the ancients emphasized? It explained why the ancients instructed not to take the name of the LORD in vain. 

*Exodus 20:7*

"Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain." 

The accountability of life itself.

 I say it and feel strengthened, comforted, nurtured, guided as he/she/it courses through my body.  

YH.. WH.